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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in babyferrari's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, April 23rd, 2006
12:22 pm
And I feel like I've just come home

Current Mood: ecstatic
Thursday, June 12th, 2003
11:47 pm
Oh god oh god made horrible mistake with Kelly! If you're reading this from the card I gave you at the signing - big misunderstanding sooooooooooo sorry. Andy, Matty, I am a dick. I am also engaged. You are both invited to my wedding. Feel very ill and sick to my stomach. It's ok for you two, cos now the real Kelly, Richard and Stuart all think I'm a potentially psychotic maniac fan whereas they know nothing about you two. If I ever find out who it really was I shall kill them and feel absolutely no remorse. BASTARDS! Sod's law I find out the day AFTER the signing rather than way before. But everything was so weird and familiar. WHY? WHY? WHY? Matty check the third comment on the first entry on the 2nd June.

Current Mood: embarrassed
Saturday, October 19th, 2002
8:47 pm
Nobody wants to know that we're falling into the sun
Hmmmmmm, so ok, lots to report. Now in a band and I was wrong. Gigging did cheer me up. Got paid for the first time ever last night which was supercool. Me, Mike, Dee and Dan. We're called Aftermath!. Sam and Tom have left I think though I don't know the details. In Treorchy now. Um um um let me think. Been a cd demon recently. Anyway and um yeah. Went to see Stereotonics the other night - tribute band. Bit shite! Yesh so what else. Met Manics the other day, went to Wales V Italy (cringe), trying to write songs but I have a mental block, oh yeah and saw Mary and Lucy for the first time in over a year which threw me slightly. Still a bit shaken. They in case you don't know are cunt's mam and sister respectively. Lucy was looking foxy mind. Meh!

Current Mood: intimidated
Wednesday, August 21st, 2002
12:56 pm
I was lost oh yeah
Love Iwan, Matty, Andy, Kelly, Spike, Toria, Stu, Sally and Nicky soooooooooo much it hurts!

Current Mood: bored
Thursday, August 15th, 2002
12:03 pm
Long time no see
I is on holiday. So wish Kelly would start talking to me again. A month without Iwan - aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Miss them both so much! Miss Matty too. Its pathetic people keep telling me its boiling outside but Im constantly fleepy and freezing. Ick. Ians fucked me right off by keeping on leaving messages - dont suppose Kel ever reads them anymore - and now its got to the stage where I cant stand him anymore. Gonna see Coldplay Manics and Space soon too mwahahahahahahaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!! Least I got Kelly mark 2 here with me to keep me sane. Wearing my Welsh rugby shirt with pride out and about. People keep looking at me. Feel kinda dejected too :( Anyway might be on msn for a bit over the next month or so if anyone feels like chatting. Probably not though. Youve probably all forgot about me.

Current Mood: stressed
Wednesday, July 3rd, 2002
3:07 pm
Oh my GODDDDDD!!!!!!!!
Why does everyone hate me? It's obvious Kelly hates me for reasons I know not! He's blocked me from his fuckin msn. Thought he was my friend. What kind of explanation is "it causes problems"? Men! Huh! Who fucking needs them. Wouldn't mind but I really miss the stupid conversations I used to have with him and Matty. Andy I'm convinced is hiding something too. Whenever I ring him he just gets on the offensive and clams up and just looks for an excuse to get me off the phone as soon as possible. Matty if you read this tell me when you'll be in UK and I'll come meet you if you have the time that is. Really hurt and upset by soooooo many people. After the last three gigs I did I thought I'd be alright but now Sally has gone and I was cacking bricks the other day. Just somebody tell me what I've done wrong. Why are people abandoning me? Looks like me and Kelly are through forever now. Oh well it was nice while it lasted. Can't say I won't miss him. I haven't even been around to fucking DO anything wrong. Wish I didn't have a problem hating people. They're all cunts. Everyone WITHOUT exception.

Current Mood: lonely
Saturday, May 25th, 2002
10:49 pm
Nobody loves me
Very confused about everything. Think Kelly is mucho pissed at me. He's asked me not to contact him anymore. Very um upset about it. Even when I ain't in contact I manage to do stuff wrong. Feel so isolated. Wanna cry. Iwan - need him, need him, need him! Need help. Crying out, but no-one listens. Got wankered the other day, even that didn't help. Worried about my mother's hip along with everything else. Being torn apart inside. In constant state of tears :(
Wednesday, February 6th, 2002
12:22 pm
Arggh no internet
Been shit at updating cos for the past 2-3 weeks I've had no access to the internet cos my ntl has gone which also means no big tv. Sorry guys! I'm not ignoring you! *Cries* Luff you all still. Miss yoooouuuuu Andy, Matty and Kelly, my biatches whose names all end in a Y.
Saturday, January 19th, 2002
10:50 pm
Drink puts the angel on my shoulder to sleep
Feel like Spike is my only friend. Spoke to Sue today and nearly burst into tears. Her grandfather invented the pill and brought penicillin into this country. I can't imagine doing something that important in a lifetime, let alone two. Been roped into going to the carnevale dance soon. Been talking to Iwan recently. Him and Spike are the only things keeping me going. I love Iwan so much. I feel complete when we talk. It's like he can read my mind. I'm just so scared of getting hurt again. He told me last night that when he was 20 he had a son that was stillborn. He was called Rhys Iwan Williams. I couldn't believe he hadn't told me sooner. I felt really good he could tell me though, that he trusts me enough. It made me feel so selfish, because of stuff that I've done. MY problems are nothing compared to what he's had to go through. I think Iwan is the one. It feels so right with him. All I feel I want to do when I'm talking to him is to make him happy. Feels weird. Keep getting these flashbacks of memories with Jamie, almost like it's reminding me of him and insinuating I'm cheating on him and his memory. I never ever thought I could love anyone again, especially this soon. Don't know how I should feel. Started playing Kelly more recently too. My mam is driving me nuts. She's always hassling me for something or another. When she shouts or nags me it's like a horrible pain in my head and I can't hear anything. I can't take this. I've already started screaming at her but it's like I'm not saying anything and she doesn't care or listen. Even hear me. Told her I wish I hadn't been born today and blamed her for everything. Felt bad and still do feel guilty but I still haven't apologised. Been told yesterday that I have to go to group therapy for self esteem, that they're decreasing my antidepressants and anti epileptic drugs, and that I have to see psychiatrists. Ironic that they're decreasing my antidepressants because I feel more depressed than ever. I miss Kelly, Andy and Matty. Want things like they used to be but with a bit more stability than before.

Current Mood: hungry
Monday, January 14th, 2002
8:23 pm
Weirdness in the subconscious
Ok so I've been having lots of really weird dreams about Kelly on top of the usual nightmares. Read this in the book I'm reading last night. Don't know if it means anything, but my female intuition is telling me it does.
by Campbell McCoy
There was once a koala. His name was Kelly. He lived in the woods. Kelly had lots of friends. One day someone went on a hike and ate Kelly's food.
He was very sad. He wanted to see the city. Kelly went to the city. He also wanted to see bildings. As soon as he was about to get hold of a nob to open a door, a dog rushed by! But he did not get Kelly. Kelly jumped in a window. And by mistake pressed the alarm. Then the polees cars were zooming by. Kelly was scared. Kelly finly escaped.
Someone caught Kelly and brought him to the zoo. Now Kelly loves the zoo.
What you think? I'm getting freaked out by all the schtuff schwirling around in my head. Lots of things have happened to me recently that's making me think about things. It's all making me uneasy.

Current Mood: curious
Wednesday, January 9th, 2002
8:12 pm
God. Jon Lee from Feeder is dead. As soon as I found out I started worrying abut Kelly and Bex. Knew both of them would take it hard. Shit. Feel awful. Not really that much into Feeder, but I hate knowing that people feel that bad that they'd do that. It's bad enough thinking that people feel as bad as me, but people like him with like a wife and kid ... it's fucking horrible. No matter what you think Kelly it shouldn't have been you.

Current Mood: sad
Tuesday, January 8th, 2002
11:42 pm
My mother wants me to write a book. Seriously contemplating the possibility that I was adopted at birth. Found Spike behind the couch. Sooooo relieved. She's back in her cage now thank fuck. Read Bridget Jones' diary. Really funny. Elena has turned into her. Scary.

Current Mood: relieved
8:03 pm
Fuck I've lost Spike. Dunno where the fuck she is. Trying to be calm but it ain't working. *Cries* Want her back. Love that hamster so much. She's been the only thing stopping me from going insane. Left food out for her. What if I never see her again?

Current Mood: worried
Sunday, December 30th, 2001
5:36 pm
Found out Jamie was trying to hit on one of my mates Maresse, when we were going out with each other. He's such a hypocrite. Apparently no-one likes Laura and he only has time and money enough for her. Lucy was apparenly pushing Maresse to go with Jamie too. So confused. He never cared for me. He just lied. Meeting Iwan tomorrow. Nervous. Paul from Ireland got back in touch with me today too for some reason. Don't know who or what to believe. Trust levels have fallen back to an alltime low.

Current Mood: shocked
Sunday, December 23rd, 2001
4:15 pm
Why do I even bother? All I do is hurt and piss people off and then I get hurt. Wankers! Can't trust anyone!
Friday, December 21st, 2001
8:22 pm
Nothing comes for free
So what's happened since. Been talking to Iwan a bit. SO much on the same wavelength as me, it's almost scary. Maybe it's cos he's Welsh! ;op Ian came down for a few days and we had a good few days. I don't think he enjoyed himself though. He got me Handbags cd, Catatonia signed paper scissors stone, Mwng limited edition, To hell and back with Catatonia and a red I love blinking I do tshirt. Felt guilty I could only get him a Liverpool calendar and a Royle Family video. Went to see Spy game and Zoolander cos I got my free UGC card. Both were good. Zoolander I was in tears in some bits, cos I was laughing so much. Only thing is they didn't have ice blasters, only that mank Virgin Cola that's just glorified water. Taped Johnny Stecchino last night and I'm taping Citizen Kane now as we speak. That's about it, that's happened. Oh yeah, went to Swansea the other day for a laugh with Ian and we had a meal in the Wetherspoons there. Kelly's back in Cwmaman now. Kills me that he's so close and I can't go to see him. Wish I could. Have to give him space though. Guess the last thing he wants is to have to go out with me for a drink.

Current Mood: sad
Thursday, December 13th, 2001
4:49 pm
So I look in your direction but you never even see me do you?
God I hate this! It's Jamie's birthday today, and even though he treated me like shit, is probably with her now and he didn't even spend 1 on me for my birthday and we were going out together, I still couldn't bring myself not to buy him something. I sent it yesterday anonymously. He'll figure out who it's from and probably send it back no doubt. I bought him a sheep bookmark. It's really nice. Kelly's completely blocking me out too, even though according to Matty's journal he's really happy, so it must be me. God he must hate me, only thing is I can't say or do anything to apologise because I don't know what I've done. I wish he could trust me and believe me. I don't regard myself as a fan just a friend. I'm so worried about him and I miss him so much, but I just think he doesn't want me around anymore. Can't say I blame him though. I mean who would want a selfish, manipulative, stupid, melodramatic, self pitying bitch like me as a friend? Started drinking again last night cos I found the tequila. Got absolutely shitfaced. Vaguely remember phoning Kevin then my money on my phone ran out. Even had to take Spike up into my room last night because I was so lonely. Just the sound of him walking on the Capri Sun box and crunching on his food made me feel so much better. Been on the verge of tears all day cos of Jamie. No one else even comes close. Just watching the Bin Laden footage. Makes me so angry. Arrogant cunt! How can people be like that?

Current Mood: angry
Monday, December 10th, 2001
8:07 pm
For Matty
Oh my God my ear. I got better and now I'm worse. Anyway since my last update nothing much has actually happened to be honest. Spike bit Vittoria and Elvira - laughed my fucking arse off - and Sam has been handling her too but he's great with her, then Jacob threw the rollerball while she was in it and broke it, so the next time I put her in it, she smashed it against a table leg, she escaped and me, Ian and my mam were looking for her in the back room for about half an hour. Fuck my infection hurts. Poor little bugger was trying to climb the wall in the corner. Went to Mama Amalfi's in the bay yesterday too for food with Ian, really nice. I had carbonara and minestrone and he had lasagna and minestrone. Lush! They had fucking brill posters on the way to the loo, as well of the bicycle thieves. AND they had an Italian football top behind the counter :D Whoo hoo! Ian beat me at pool again too and that fucking who wants to be a millionaire machine conned us out of our money too. Printed off loads of tabs too and sorted out my stuff off Fausto's computer and then his printer went and fucking broke. Wanky tossy thing. Jamie's birthday on Thursday. Want to get him something more than anything in the world. Miss Kelly too. He hasn't updated his journal so I can see it for ages. I miss him so much. Hope he comes to the football with me. Feel like he can't trust me to tell me things. Sometimes I wish I'd never even heard of Stereophonics so he wouldn't think of me as a fan, and I knew him just as a friend. Pretty fucking difficult though considering where I live. I honestly don't think of him as Kelly Jones rock musician, I think of him as Kelly one of my best mates. I just wish he believed me. If he was a prick when I first started talking to him, before I became his friend but when I still knew who he was I would have stopped and told him to fuck off no matter who he was. That's not to say I don't love his music though cos I do, I just love him as a friend more. MUCH more. Spike and me have been good actually. He was crawling all over me the other day. Applied for a job in Clintons today as an xmas temp. Saw Toria too today and Paul has pissed her off. They've only just got back together and he's already fucked her off big style. Dunno whether he's fucking her about or not. It's great though cos over the new year I'm going out on the pull with Toria and Tracy which should be um interesting... Then Lyn keeps ringing her up and stuff. Kev and Nicky have been acting a bit strange too. Not done much else.

Current Mood: mellow
Thursday, November 29th, 2001
1:54 pm
Toilet trained and dumb
Owwwwwww!!!!!!!!!! I'm in fucking agony, Spike keeps biting me, had a fit yesterday and I have to go to the doctor's later. Life sucks! Shoot me, I can't take more of this pain!

Current Mood: sick
Tuesday, November 27th, 2001
3:52 pm
How do I feel by the end of the day
I am SO ill. Why does no-one feel like they can trust me? Why does everyone do their damndest to block me out and leave me out? Why does everyone not want to know me when they get to know me? What's wrong with me?

Current Mood: Alienated
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